A Soul in Repair
I am angry.
I am sad.
I am hurt.
I am devastated. I am disappointed.
I am relieved.
All of those emotions are fighting for space within me and have been for months. I've been navigating this complex swirl of emotions ever since I quit my job last March. I admit that they're a bit all over the place and no one emotion seems to last very long, as they just replace one another on an endless, messy loop. It's confusing and it's exhausting.
It's only in the last day or so that I've realized that the only one that matters is the last one. Relieved. It's the one I need to focus on in order to move forward. To move beyond. To start to feel like I have something to offer again.
Relieved feels like a going inward for resolution, rather than a looking or acting outward. This feels right because the only way I am going to resolve the other feelings is by letting go of them, by having the relief take up so much space, there's no more room for them. There is a rightness in that for me. Just as I can't rely on others to create my happiness, I can't rely on them to resolve my anger, my sadness, my hurt, devastation and disappointment. I alone can do that.
Some days, the relief comes easily. Others, I will see a reminder and be thrown back to the other, not-so-fun feelings. I am looking forward to, and am actively working on strategies to help myself feel a bit more neutral. Reminding myself of the good parts doesn't help quite yet, even though there were a lot of them. The damage done, and the aftermath...the sad unwinding of relationships, the recognition of old patterns of falling into the comfort of dysfunction, the uncertainty in myself that has developed have to be replaced fully by this relief before I can feel good about anything I accomplished along the way. (That being said, I know what I brought to the table and that there were accomplishments, even if they feel tainted right now.)
I'm doing this, in part, by engaging on this journey. It's just me here. No business or nonprofit "voice" to hide behind. Just my own. Whether or not I am good at it remains to be seen. For now, I'll persist. Where it takes me remains to be seen. For now, I will sit with the unknown. What the overarching message will be is still out there in the ether. I trust the message will come to me.
Until the relief comes fully (and probably beyond), I'll continue to look within and I'll continue to move ONWARD. ➡️